In my heart of hearts, I have let go of almost everything. I don't know how to let go of this thing that I'm still afraid of. I really want to. I'm not sure how to apply the theory of letting go, and all the practical experience I've built up with letting go of everything else just doesn't seem to be appropriate to the task at hand now.
What am I talking about? I'm not really sure. So back to some background, scene setting, good for clarity, context.
It's been a couple of months since I was here last and in that time, my whole world has changed. I have moved to my mum's. I have allowed all the ridiculous changes at work to undermine my self confidence again. I have started on a life path away from the corporate world, but am very much at the beginning of it. I have run myself ragged, and I have lost (albeit temporarily) my ability to just be me. I now do not know what 'me' means. Again.
It is a sad state of affairs. And I'm tired. I have a sense of building pressure, beyond a point that I can deal with, and I have no idea what to do about it, other than put my thoughts and feelings down here in writing for the Universe to see, and hopefully respond to.
I think it's all to do with matters of faith. Do I have faith? Do I have faith that what I might hope and dream for is allowed (by whom?) to be mine? Can I go on absorbing other peoples hopes and dreams as my own, or can I at some point allow myself to see my own? (and thereby the 'whom' must be 'me') Grrrrr... Once again, I have got to the place where I deny what I want and need. How did I slide back to here? Why have my anchor points of 'when the plane is crashing, put your own mask on first' and 'take care of yourself' gone??
I am not a mad person. These are not ramblings. This is what is going on in my head and heart on a daily basis. It's a spiral, and it's on a downward trend at the moment. I do not want that. I would like to use the power of this spiral to move upwards. Although I have no idea if down is bad and up is good or vice versa.
I must try to express what on earth I mean again.
I feel stuck. I cannot (will not? will not!) let go of the feeling of being stuck. I am at a loss as to how to inject life back into my life. I'm not moving. And I'm scared that I'll stay this way. For every day that goes past and I have made no progress, I panic internally that the direction of the wind has changed and that's it, Mary Poppins will now leave forever. But instead of leaving me with a newly family friendly father and a kite, she's left me back where I started. A changeling.
And of course, that's the absurdity of what I've been writing. I choose whether to see myself as that or not. And whilst it's true that I may be drastically different to my family, and may wish to do something drastically different to my current peers, I will not always be drastically different. There is somewhere that I fit. That place is firstly inside me. And there is an external place that I will find someday.
I still don't really know what I want in concrete terms yet, but I have an intuition about it, and dear Universe, I ask you to help me realise my hopes and dreams, and I thank you for helping me.
And for now, I need to let my mind keep wandering where it wants to go and to allow myself to be loved by me.
