It's been a while since I last posted anything, so the first order of the day is an update (see Oct 2006 archive for reference) :

• I'm still working for the same place which I think I still hate
• I still have the same car which I now hate
• I'm still not smoking which I love

Next, why have I come back?  The actual question for me though, is why did I stop?  And that brings me to FEAR. 

I've realised that I still allow my irrational fears to have a greater influence over me than they ought to.  The me of today is more of a master of fear than a slave to it, but that's only because the number of things to be fearful of have diminuished.  It has taken approximately 2 years to get to this point. 

Now, what seem like the last fears (although I am certain there will be more to come) loom as the greatest fears.  That of self-promotion, that of expressing what I think, that of allowing my light to shine.

I have learnt and thought enough about the fact (or interpretation if you prefer) that you and I are the same.  We're One.  We're human, and we're no more and no less than each other.  We've both expressions of the divine.  We're both flukes of evolution.  We're both living cells of Gaia.  We're both amazing beings of light (or indeed life).  We're both teacher and student.

So the very fact (or my interpretation) that I have been afraid to be myself for fear of what you might think, for fear of your judgement, is the very accusation that in actuality it is I who judges you. 

Accusation??  Yes, because although judgement itself is not a bad thing, the reality of my having used that word within my last sentence is indicative of what I think the act of judgement to mean.  Which is to say, in my mind, I commit the crime of judging.  Now would be a good place for a link to a definition of judgement: http://www.chambersharrap.co.uk/chambers/features/chref/chref.py/main?query=judgement&title=21st

Is this true?  Is judgement a crime?  Am I just rambling?  I don't know.  On the one hand, it seems that judgement is necessary in order to get on with life.  On the other, judgement is an evil as it moves me away from acceptance.

So now I want to dig deeper.  What is a crime?  I feel another defintion coming on: http://www.chambersharrap.co.uk/chambers/features/chref/chref.py/main?query=crime&title=21st  Interesting to note the etymology of this word isn't it?  I think I may be on to something...

These notions of judgement, accusation and crime seem to be circular.  They seem, to me, to be based on the notion that an act by some person(s) can be deemed by other person(s) to be wrong based on some other notions about how the deeming person(s) has/have been agrieved.  Am I missing something?  Or am I just over complicating the matter?

Try looking at the definition of wrong and then decide what you think of what I'm saying.

Anyway, that's all got a bit too much for my head for a moment, so to return to the original point, I would like to be accepted for who I am (for the record I mean accepted, not tolerated) by all my fellow human beings.  This in turn means that I must accept (not tolerate) all my fellow human beings as we are all the same. 

If I fear that I will not be accepted for who I am, then that is because I fear your judgement of me, which means I accuse you of judging me, which means that I am already making a judgement, which means that as you and I are the same, I am suddenly right to have accused you.  By dint of my not overcoming my own proclivity to judgement, and thus ending the circle, I perpetuate the crime of judgement of you.  Or something like that anyway...

On a separate note, as a child, my father gave me a rather large dictionary and told me to read a page a day, if you don't understand the definition of the word you're reading, look up all the words you don't understand until you can understand the first word you're reading.  I have finally come to the understanding that I love my dad, but boy has he got a lot to answer for!!!

As to why I stopped and why I came back, simple really; I stopped because I couldn't express anything I wanted to say, I've come back because I now seem able to.