entertheworld

My dad may have a lot to answer for, but that's between him and his maker, nothing to do with me.

Actually, I have a choice as to whether I continue the practice of delving into the definitions of words, and I choose to continue. So far, I think it's generally a good practice.

Although in my world of today, I seem to be surrounded by people who speak in as few a words as possible in order to be as efficient as possible, and so my definition delving and etymology hunting seems to be frowned upon with the frequent comment of "why say something in five words, when you can use a hundred?" Perhaps I just talk too much for other people's liking? Perhaps I'm taking what they say to heart? Perhaps I'm showing off with the language I use? Perhaps I confuse people? I wish I could work out what each person who says that means. Perhaps I just have to learn to take it as a joke, and laugh. Perhaps I need to ignore it.

The lesson my dad was teaching me was that language is a key to culture. What I have learnt is that communication is key to sharing our experiences with each other. I've found that in order to give that process the maximum chance to be understood by me, I have to work to understand as much as I can about the medium in which something is conveyed to me. Therefore if the people around me are talking to me with words, I must attempt to understand those words in all their guises, in all the possible shades of meaning for a single word. If the people around me are talking to me with glances, I must attempt to understand those too. And the obsessive behaviour gets stronger.

It's massively ingrained in me. I got into a mental loop very early on, and am really still on that path. I've realised that I'm on a spiral, and that I go in either direction on that spiral, up, down, it doesn't matter. What matters is that it is the sacred spiral, and that it is the mechanism I use to go from a zero state to a one state about everything.

Sacred geometry. I think that's what I'm talking about, but for now, it's just a hunch that all the things I'm thinking will fit into the geometry space. I don't know enough about it yet to be firm in my convictions.

I was blog hopping yesterday, and I came across this site: http://faheem2.blog.co.uk . I love the concept of and the sentiments contained within this blog, and although I know nothing about the blogger, a small part of me has fallen in love with this aspect of them.

Flit, flit, flit...

 It's been a while since I last posted anything, so the first order of the day is an update (see Oct 2006 archive for reference) :

• I'm still working for the same place which I think I still hate
• I still have the same car which I now hate
• I'm still not smoking which I love

Tick.

Next, why have I come back?  The actual question for me though, is why did I stop?  And that brings me to FEAR. 

I've realised that I still allow my irrational fears to have a greater influence over me than they ought to.  The me of today is more of a master of fear than a slave to it, but that's only because the number of things to be fearful of have diminuished.  It has taken approximately 2 years to get to this point. 

Now, what seem like the last fears (although I am certain there will be more to come) loom as the greatest fears.  That of self-promotion, that of expressing what I think, that of allowing my light to shine.

I have learnt and thought enough about the fact (or interpretation if you prefer) that you and I are the same.  We're One.  We're human, and we're no more and no less than each other.  We've both expressions of the divine.  We're both flukes of evolution.  We're both living cells of Gaia.  We're both amazing beings of light (or indeed life).  We're both teacher and student.

So the very fact (or my interpretation) that I have been afraid to be myself for fear of what you might think, for fear of your judgement, is the very accusation that in actuality it is I who judges you. 

Accusation??  Yes, because although judgement itself is not a bad thing, the reality of my having used that word within my last sentence is indicative of what I think the act of judgement to mean.  Which is to say, in my mind, I commit the crime of judging.  Now would be a good place for a link to a definition of judgement: http://www.chambersharrap.co.uk/chambers/features/chref/chref.py/main?query=judgement&title=21st

Is this true?  Is judgement a crime?  Am I just rambling?  I don't know.  On the one hand, it seems that judgement is necessary in order to get on with life.  On the other, judgement is an evil as it moves me away from acceptance.

So now I want to dig deeper.  What is a crime?  I feel another defintion coming on: http://www.chambersharrap.co.uk/chambers/features/chref/chref.py/main?query=crime&title=21st  Interesting to note the etymology of this word isn't it?  I think I may be on to something...

These notions of judgement, accusation and crime seem to be circular.  They seem, to me, to be based on the notion that an act by some person(s) can be deemed by other person(s) to be wrong based on some other notions about how the deeming person(s) has/have been agrieved.  Am I missing something?  Or am I just over complicating the matter?

Try looking at the definition of wrong and then decide what you think of what I'm saying.

Anyway, that's all got a bit too much for my head for a moment, so to return to the original point, I would like to be accepted for who I am (for the record I mean accepted, not tolerated) by all my fellow human beings.  This in turn means that I must accept (not tolerate) all my fellow human beings as we are all the same. 

If I fear that I will not be accepted for who I am, then that is because I fear your judgement of me, which means I accuse you of judging me, which means that I am already making a judgement, which means that as you and I are the same, I am suddenly right to have accused you.  By dint of my not overcoming my own proclivity to judgement, and thus ending the circle, I perpetuate the crime of judgement of you.  Or something like that anyway...

On a separate note, as a child, my father gave me a rather large dictionary and told me to read a page a day, if you don't understand the definition of the word you're reading, look up all the words you don't understand until you can understand the first word you're reading.  I have finally come to the understanding that I love my dad, but boy has he got a lot to answer for!!!

As to why I stopped and why I came back, simple really; I stopped because I couldn't express anything I wanted to say, I've come back because I now seem able to.