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Posts archive for: October, 2006
  • today is not my day

    I am not in the best of moods.   Grouchy and pissed off would be a good description.

    It has been almost a full 24 hours since my last ever cigarette - I'm in a denial place about it I think, in that I keep teetering on the edge of wanting one, then realising that I don't (or so I hope).  So far, so good.

    Unfortunately, the first day of cold turkey brings with it stresses not endured on a day by any other name, namely one of my rear tyres bursting with a loud bang on my way home from the terrible place called work (which I hate and will rant about another day).  Dealable with, thinks I, should have that changed within 15 mins (my record time so far) and be on my way to belly dancing class.  Not so.  The last numpty who went near my car wheels with the locking nut key and one of those pnuematic drills has a lot to answer for, seeing as the nut was put back in badly and the locking pattern was almost sheared off so that I can't do anything!!!

    In goes the call to the breakdown company.  An hour and a half later
    , the guy comes along, uses a self-tapping kit to undo the bloody nut, and very kindly changes my tyre for me (this one has officially been disqualified from my tyre changing record now)

    I missed my class.  I didn't get to add to my car expertise.  I had to wait around for almost 2 hours before I was rescued enough to be on my way.  The tyre is not repairable and will cost me money.  The locking nut is shagged, so must be replaced.  I have still not had a cigarette.

    Yay me.  I don't even have the energy for a decent rant.  I'm off to bed.

  • extraordinary 4 year old...

    I have just watched a programme that has left me feeling very disturbed.  It was about a little boy, sold by his mother, beaten by the first task master who bought him, saved by the second who then pushed to being the youngest endurance runner in the world at the age of 4.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Budhia_Singh

    I feel disturbed because of the world I saw through the camera's eyes.  I saw poor people.  I have no comprehension of what that world is like.  I live off that world, whether I want to or not.  Through whatever reason, I was born here and not there.  And I am finding it hard to comprehend that all I can do about it at this exact moment is post my guilt, indignation, shame, hurt, pain, sympathy - I do mean sympathy, not empathy, as I have no concept of life outside of the bubble I am in, and no matter how large I try to make that bubble, it does not yet comprise of living in a developing world - disgust, acceptance, resignation, envy about it all.

    This is the way of the world, the stronger will always exploit the weaker.  I do not like it.  In my eternally optimistic view of the world, I cannot see any way by which this will not be the case as, IMHO, we are supposed to be hierachical pack animals, it's a "feature" of being a human.  That should mean that there is some benefit to this exploitation.  Somewhere along the line, we should all as a large pack, benefit from some people getting screwed.  I feel fairly screwed where I am on the pyramid.  I can only hope that for the moment, that little boy can't tell how screwed he is.

  • the beginning

    So, today I thought that I'd try this blogging thing and see what comes of it.

    I've been speaking with a few of my friends, and have realised that if I ever wanted to get over my fear of writing, I'm going to have to actually write.  This seems like the best place to put what I have to say out there, with a fair degree of being able to hide, yet hopefully a place where someone will take an interest and shoot back at me from the hip, 'tho I can't guarantee that I won't take it badly.

    Why do I want this space?  The point is more that I want a space.  I live in a crowded, anonymous city, where I struggle to have a clear head, and I'm hoping that I start to feel more human by giving myself this space to breathe, to mull things over, to soundboard, to figure out some definitive things about things.  I'm hoping that I find a community here, one that I don't have to belong to, but, if I happen to become part of, then I can feel accepted by.  The blindness of a computer screen hiding the insecurities of new people, so that somewhere along the line we all get to say what we really want to - me included.

    I've just deleted some rubbish about being a newbie.  I can't bring myself to make any other comment about it.   Welcome to my paranoid state of mind.

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