entertheworld

I'm so glad that I wrote what I wrote in my last post.  I needed to re-read my own thoughts from back then.  Self-validation via the passage of time, and a handily accessible post-it.  Thanks me.

In my heart of hearts, I have let go of almost everything.  I don't know how to let go of this thing that I'm still afraid of.  I really want to.  I'm not sure how to apply the theory of letting go, and all the practical experience I've built up with letting go of everything else just doesn't seem to be appropriate to the task at hand now.

What am I talking about?  I'm not really sure.  So back to some background, scene setting, good for clarity, context.

It's been a couple of months since I was here last and in that time, my whole world has changed.  I have moved to my mum's.  I have allowed all the ridiculous changes at work to undermine my self confidence again.  I have started on a life path away from the corporate world, but am very much at the beginning of it.  I have run myself ragged, and I have lost (albeit temporarily) my ability to just be me.  I now do not know what 'me' means.  Again.

It is a sad state of affairs.  And I'm tired.  I have a sense of building pressure, beyond a point that I can deal with, and I have no idea what to do about it, other than put my thoughts and feelings down here in writing for the Universe to see, and hopefully respond to.

I think it's all to do with matters of faith.  Do I have faith?  Do I have faith that what I might hope and dream for is allowed (by whom?) to be mine?  Can I go on absorbing other peoples hopes and dreams as my own, or can I at some point allow myself to see my own? (and thereby the 'whom' must be 'me')  Grrrrr... Once again, I have got to the place where I deny what I want and need.  How did I slide back to here?  Why have my anchor points of 'when the plane is crashing, put your own mask on first' and 'take care of yourself' gone??

I am not a mad person.  These are not ramblings.  This is what is going on in my head and heart on a daily basis.  It's a spiral, and it's on a downward trend at the moment.  I do not want that.  I would like to use the power of this spiral to move upwards.  Although I have no idea if down is bad and up is good or vice versa.

I must try to express what on earth I mean again.

I feel stuck.  I cannot  (will not? will not!) let go of the feeling of being stuck.  I am at a loss as to how to inject life back into my life.  I'm not moving.  And I'm scared that I'll stay this way.  For every day that goes past and I have made no progress, I panic internally that the direction of the wind has changed and that's it, Mary Poppins will now leave forever.  But instead of leaving me with a newly family friendly father and a kite, she's left me back where I started.  A changeling.

And of course, that's the absurdity of what I've been writing.  I choose whether to see myself as that or not.  And whilst it's true that I may be drastically different to my family, and may wish to do something drastically different to my current peers, I will not always be drastically different.  There is somewhere that I fit.  That place is firstly inside me.  And there is an external place that I will find someday.

I still don't really know what I want in concrete terms yet, but I have an intuition about it, and dear Universe, I ask you to help me realise my hopes and dreams, and I thank you for helping me.

And for now, I need to let my mind keep wandering where it wants to go and to allow myself to be loved by me.

My dad may have a lot to answer for, but that's between him and his maker, nothing to do with me.

Actually, I have a choice as to whether I continue the practice of delving into the definitions of words, and I choose to continue. So far, I think it's generally a good practice.

Although in my world of today, I seem to be surrounded by people who speak in as few a words as possible in order to be as efficient as possible, and so my definition delving and etymology hunting seems to be frowned upon with the frequent comment of "why say something in five words, when you can use a hundred?" Perhaps I just talk too much for other people's liking? Perhaps I'm taking what they say to heart? Perhaps I'm showing off with the language I use? Perhaps I confuse people? I wish I could work out what each person who says that means. Perhaps I just have to learn to take it as a joke, and laugh. Perhaps I need to ignore it.

The lesson my dad was teaching me was that language is a key to culture. What I have learnt is that communication is key to sharing our experiences with each other. I've found that in order to give that process the maximum chance to be understood by me, I have to work to understand as much as I can about the medium in which something is conveyed to me. Therefore if the people around me are talking to me with words, I must attempt to understand those words in all their guises, in all the possible shades of meaning for a single word. If the people around me are talking to me with glances, I must attempt to understand those too. And the obsessive behaviour gets stronger.

It's massively ingrained in me. I got into a mental loop very early on, and am really still on that path. I've realised that I'm on a spiral, and that I go in either direction on that spiral, up, down, it doesn't matter. What matters is that it is the sacred spiral, and that it is the mechanism I use to go from a zero state to a one state about everything.

Sacred geometry. I think that's what I'm talking about, but for now, it's just a hunch that all the things I'm thinking will fit into the geometry space. I don't know enough about it yet to be firm in my convictions.

I was blog hopping yesterday, and I came across this site: http://faheem2.blog.co.uk . I love the concept of and the sentiments contained within this blog, and although I know nothing about the blogger, a small part of me has fallen in love with this aspect of them.

Flit, flit, flit...

 It's been a while since I last posted anything, so the first order of the day is an update (see Oct 2006 archive for reference) :

• I'm still working for the same place which I think I still hate
• I still have the same car which I now hate
• I'm still not smoking which I love

Tick.

Next, why have I come back?  The actual question for me though, is why did I stop?  And that brings me to FEAR. 

I've realised that I still allow my irrational fears to have a greater influence over me than they ought to.  The me of today is more of a master of fear than a slave to it, but that's only because the number of things to be fearful of have diminuished.  It has taken approximately 2 years to get to this point. 

Now, what seem like the last fears (although I am certain there will be more to come) loom as the greatest fears.  That of self-promotion, that of expressing what I think, that of allowing my light to shine.

I have learnt and thought enough about the fact (or interpretation if you prefer) that you and I are the same.  We're One.  We're human, and we're no more and no less than each other.  We've both expressions of the divine.  We're both flukes of evolution.  We're both living cells of Gaia.  We're both amazing beings of light (or indeed life).  We're both teacher and student.

So the very fact (or my interpretation) that I have been afraid to be myself for fear of what you might think, for fear of your judgement, is the very accusation that in actuality it is I who judges you. 

Accusation??  Yes, because although judgement itself is not a bad thing, the reality of my having used that word within my last sentence is indicative of what I think the act of judgement to mean.  Which is to say, in my mind, I commit the crime of judging.  Now would be a good place for a link to a definition of judgement: http://www.chambersharrap.co.uk/chambers/features/chref/chref.py/main?query=judgement&title=21st

Is this true?  Is judgement a crime?  Am I just rambling?  I don't know.  On the one hand, it seems that judgement is necessary in order to get on with life.  On the other, judgement is an evil as it moves me away from acceptance.

So now I want to dig deeper.  What is a crime?  I feel another defintion coming on: http://www.chambersharrap.co.uk/chambers/features/chref/chref.py/main?query=crime&title=21st  Interesting to note the etymology of this word isn't it?  I think I may be on to something...

These notions of judgement, accusation and crime seem to be circular.  They seem, to me, to be based on the notion that an act by some person(s) can be deemed by other person(s) to be wrong based on some other notions about how the deeming person(s) has/have been agrieved.  Am I missing something?  Or am I just over complicating the matter?

Try looking at the definition of wrong and then decide what you think of what I'm saying.

Anyway, that's all got a bit too much for my head for a moment, so to return to the original point, I would like to be accepted for who I am (for the record I mean accepted, not tolerated) by all my fellow human beings.  This in turn means that I must accept (not tolerate) all my fellow human beings as we are all the same. 

If I fear that I will not be accepted for who I am, then that is because I fear your judgement of me, which means I accuse you of judging me, which means that I am already making a judgement, which means that as you and I are the same, I am suddenly right to have accused you.  By dint of my not overcoming my own proclivity to judgement, and thus ending the circle, I perpetuate the crime of judgement of you.  Or something like that anyway...

On a separate note, as a child, my father gave me a rather large dictionary and told me to read a page a day, if you don't understand the definition of the word you're reading, look up all the words you don't understand until you can understand the first word you're reading.  I have finally come to the understanding that I love my dad, but boy has he got a lot to answer for!!!

As to why I stopped and why I came back, simple really; I stopped because I couldn't express anything I wanted to say, I've come back because I now seem able to.

I am not in the best of moods.   Grouchy and pissed off would be a good description.

It has been almost a full 24 hours since my last ever cigarette - I'm in a denial place about it I think, in that I keep teetering on the edge of wanting one, then realising that I don't (or so I hope).  So far, so good.

Unfortunately, the first day of cold turkey brings with it stresses not endured on a day by any other name, namely one of my rear tyres bursting with a loud bang on my way home from the terrible place called work (which I hate and will rant about another day).  Dealable with, thinks I, should have that changed within 15 mins (my record time so far) and be on my way to belly dancing class.  Not so.  The last numpty who went near my car wheels with the locking nut key and one of those pnuematic drills has a lot to answer for, seeing as the nut was put back in badly and the locking pattern was almost sheared off so that I can't do anything!!!

In goes the call to the breakdown company.  An hour and a half later , the guy comes along, uses a self-tapping kit to undo the bloody nut, and very kindly changes my tyre for me (this one has officially been disqualified from my tyre changing record now)

I missed my class.  I didn't get to add to my car expertise.  I had to wait around for almost 2 hours before I was rescued enough to be on my way.  The tyre is not repairable and will cost me money.  The locking nut is shagged, so must be replaced.  I have still not had a cigarette.

Yay me.  I don't even have the energy for a decent rant.  I'm off to bed.

I have just watched a programme that has left me feeling very disturbed.  It was about a little boy, sold by his mother, beaten by the first task master who bought him, saved by the second who then pushed to being the youngest endurance runner in the world at the age of 4.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Budhia_Singh

I feel disturbed because of the world I saw through the camera's eyes.  I saw poor people.  I have no comprehension of what that world is like.  I live off that world, whether I want to or not.  Through whatever reason, I was born here and not there.  And I am finding it hard to comprehend that all I can do about it at this exact moment is post my guilt, indignation, shame, hurt, pain, sympathy - I do mean sympathy, not empathy, as I have no concept of life outside of the bubble I am in, and no matter how large I try to make that bubble, it does not yet comprise of living in a developing world - disgust, acceptance, resignation, envy about it all.

This is the way of the world, the stronger will always exploit the weaker.  I do not like it.  In my eternally optimistic view of the world, I cannot see any way by which this will not be the case as, IMHO, we are supposed to be hierachical pack animals, it's a "feature" of being a human.  That should mean that there is some benefit to this exploitation.  Somewhere along the line, we should all as a large pack, benefit from some people getting screwed.  I feel fairly screwed where I am on the pyramid.  I can only hope that for the moment, that little boy can't tell how screwed he is.

So, today I thought that I'd try this blogging thing and see what comes of it.

I've been speaking with a few of my friends, and have realised that if I ever wanted to get over my fear of writing, I'm going to have to actually write.  This seems like the best place to put what I have to say out there, with a fair degree of being able to hide, yet hopefully a place where someone will take an interest and shoot back at me from the hip, 'tho I can't guarantee that I won't take it badly.

Why do I want this space?  The point is more that I want a space.  I live in a crowded, anonymous city, where I struggle to have a clear head, and I'm hoping that I start to feel more human by giving myself this space to breathe, to mull things over, to soundboard, to figure out some definitive things about things.  I'm hoping that I find a community here, one that I don't have to belong to, but, if I happen to become part of, then I can feel accepted by.  The blindness of a computer screen hiding the insecurities of new people, so that somewhere along the line we all get to say what we really want to - me included.

I've just deleted some rubbish about being a newbie.  I can't bring myself to make any other comment about it.   Welcome to my paranoid state of mind.